Answering a recurring question

I told you I wouldn't be posting daily. It's been, what, four days since I posted. I feel the proverbial nakedness not having poured my soul into some website. God, what is our civilization these days?

And speaking of God, I've been asked this question a lot recently: Why the prayer beads?
I got a set of prayer beads a few weeks ago from a little local metaphysical shop (and when I say little, I mean only slightly larger than my bedroom, and they're not even using all their space). Of their selection, I chose one made mostly from "skull beads". The "eyes" of the skull were made in the wood by insects looking for food. They were found and cleaned by the artist, and the rest of the features of the skull carved in. I like the symbol of the skull, and so this particular string of prayer beads called out to me more than others. I try to wear the beads daily.
The first several times people had asked me why I was wearing them, I gave the really lame answer of, "I just liked them." But I knew that there was more of a reason than that. I asked my Self the question... "Why did I see these beads and know they were meant for me?" Much like a freshman frat boy, the answer came quickly: "Though I'm not religious, I still need prayer in my life." I still have a connection to [God/the Universe/the Self/the Higher Power/what-have-you], and I can still ask for guidance or blessings when I feel like I need them. I also need to be thankful for everything I do have in this life. I'm starting to notice all the small and daily miracles (as well as the big ones) that happen around me, and when I do, I say a little "Thank you". Though I don't necessarily pray with the beads, or have a specific prayer for them, the beads are my reminder that prayer is a necessity to the soul. If you believe in your soul, feed it with prayer.

I can't think of a clever sign-off this time,
Ash

Day 30: Picture of myself, 5 good things

Wow... Longest 30 days ever. I suppose time goes faster when you're not watching the clock, but I thought that was only relevent when I'm counting down the seconds to the end of my shift. Nope...

Here's your picture of me, taken only moments ago:

And here are my Five Good Things that have happened to me since starting the blog:
1. I've gained a deeper respect for myself and have entered into a better sense of self love.
2. I've started crafting again.
3. I've regained my love of reading and am cruising through books.
4. I've paid off my dental bill (which I thought was going to be about $1500, turns out I only had to pay $50).
5. Though I'm still single, I've begun to come to terms with it again, and am setting aside my want for relationship to pursue my other goals. I'll let the relationship come to me when it's ready.

I wish I had more to say. I'm a little scared to be venturing into the world of blogging about whatever again. I'm so used to having a daily topic, but I'm sure I can come up with something. I know it won't be daily, but if I have something worth saying, I'll say it here.

I just want to thank all of you--friends, family, strangers--who have been supportive of me during these last 30 days. I find no greater joy right now than to hear "I'm loving your blog," or the like. It makes me love posting daily life for all to see, complete with rants, raves, and my general nonsense.

I love you all,
Ash

Day 29: Three wishes

IT'S DAY 29 Y'ALL! We're almost done with Thirty Days of Bloggity Blog, and there's this sweet sadness that comes along with it. I'm so used to blogging every day and always having a topic to talk about that I just don't know what I'm going to do after tomorrow? How will I share my sarcastic wit and intelligent humor with the world?! How will I incorporate homosexuality into everything I write?! How will I stalk my ex?!!

... Um... Forget that last one...

Yeah, still not over it. It's bitchy. I'm such a past dweller, and I know it's stupid. My poor Cancerian mind is so used to telling me that everything is my problem, I can fix anything, and things that fall apart are all my fault. Even if, say, he's the one who has the crippling social anxiety, he's the one who's not over his last relationship and sleeping with drag queens, and he's the one who told me I was abusing him and treated him like a whore and broke up with me to be with some other guy... Not that I'm speaking out of experience or anything, because those that are closest to me would know who I was talking about, and that's just not how I roll ;)

Wish #1: I wish I didn't dwell so much on the past. I want to forgive myself and move on, and not let my past darken my future.
Wish #2: I wish my family could get out of debt. I feel like my family (namely: my dad) is so unhappy all the time because we're constantly worried about these bills or that mortgage or this-that-or-the-other fee. It's said that those who worry about money a lot tend to have chronic back pain, and my dad has had an effed up back since we were living in Florida (a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away). Coincidence? I think not.
Wish #3: I wish I could make anybody fall in love with me I wish that I could just forget about relationships and love and dating all together, and focus on school and work and silks and Cirque (and that rhymed!), and just let whatever happens, happen; and be so effing happy when it does that I can't stand it. Besides, the people I'd make fall in love with me aren't really the people I'd want in my life long-term. I only want to attract people that I know can help me grow and change for the good.

I wish for a lot,
Ash

Day 28: Something that stresses you out

So. Many. Things. And I try not to let them stress me out... but I do. Following my tradition of Thirty Days of Bloggity Blog, I'm not going to give you just ONE thing that stresses me out. Oh no...

The Many Stressors of the Ashton:

1. Bills.

 

I'm currently in repayment for my student loans, and currently quite delinquent for some of them. I'm working on that. But just thinking about them makes me want to die... Except unexpected death does not absolve one of their student loans! Fact! They are credited to your spouse or legal guardians! Bitchy, right?

2. Clubs and bars.

I will admit (realizing that you will be judging me) that I have never gone to a bar or club and enjoyed myself, unless I was under the influence. It's not that I can't have fun without alcohol, I just don't have fun at clubs without alcohol. It's a judgement thing... I enter the scene and immediately feel like I don't belong, because I'm not wearing this, or I don't look like that. I realize that this is judgement on my part, but that doesn't make me less nervous. Should I break my resolutions and attempt the scene again, I will wholeheartedly attempt to just be in the moment and try to have fun. Maybe then I'll actually meet someone... I just laughed out loud...

3. My family. I'm not even going to talk about it.

4. Driving.

Utah is noted for it's horrible drivers. My family and I (with the exception of my sisters) are actually quite good drivers, so what makes me nervous is the people around me whilst I'm driving. These people have no sense of "turn signal" and "yield" is a four-letter word... Combine that with the fact that for the last seven months I've been relying on my TOTALLY PAID FOR BUS AND TRAINS! lolz... And I'm scared to death of driving in this state anymore.

Let's face it, I'm a wreck,
Ash

Day 27: Original photo of the city you live in

Ha! Nope. First of all, I'm not telling you which city I live in because I don't want you stalking me. The people I want stalking me... well.. e-mail me...
Second of all. It's extremely hard to get a photo of where I live because... well... This is my best effort:

So there you go. That's where I live. Sorta.
Also, this would be strike four, if there is such a thing. Seeing as nobody wanted to punish me for striking out, I suppose you get one more chance then you're SOL.

Is it naughty that I'm asking for punishment?
Ash

Day 26: My dream wedding...

Bah... I really don't want to do this one... For one, it just reminds me that I'm going to be single forever. For another, it reminds me how effed up this country is. Can't they see that denying people basic rights was the same thing they did to blacks and women years and years ago? But now women can vote, and blacks can have jobs and don't have to sit in the back of the bus... so why can't the bigots and conservatives see that they just need to wave the white flag and let us get married.

And for those that argue that if the government recognizes gay marriage nationwide, it will affect how your church has to run them: false. There's this little thing called separation of church and state. If a gay or lesbian couple decides to get married, they can have it recognized by the government and get the benefits that way, but a church can choose whether or not to recognize it. The government would have no say. So yes it would be legal, condoned by the church or not.

So my dream wedding, first and foremost, would be legal. I would be able to get married in Maine and honeymoon in Hawaii, and they would still have to treat my marriage as equal as Joe and Kathy Shmoe's. I don't actually want to get married in Maine, it was just an example.

I know I'd like to have a fall wedding, outside, somewhere where during the ceremony, a light breeze kicks up and showers us with multicolored leaves.

This would, ideally, be near a large reception hall for the reception... duh... I'm not sure exactly how receptions work... especially for a wedding for two men...

But I know that cake would be the most heart-stopping red velvet (and don't you dare call me unoriginal, I love red velvet cake) you've ever tasted, with golden fondant. And that's pretty much all I've got planned so far... lolz.

Oh, and I'll have a Maid of Honor, and a Best Man, because I said so. If I were to get engaged tomorrow, those would be my best friends Monica and Preston.

This post took me two hours to write,
Ash

Day 25: Shuffle iPod, first 10 songs

Strike three D: So you, dear readers, get to pick my punishment and I'll blog about it when I get enough responses. Or, you can take leniency on me because my iPod died. It just depends on whether or not you're a horrible person. Are you a horrible person?

It's the classic jr. high question (besides the basic Name, Age, Fave Color):
Put your iPod on shuffle. What are the first 10 songs?!
Because everyone has an iPod these days, and those that don't are ashamed of their mp3 players.
1. Innosence, by Cirque du Soleil
2. Bring Me To Life, by Evanescence
3. Final Destination, by Within Temptation
4. The Queen, by Lady Gaga
5. The Numa Numa Song... (what the hell is that doing there?)
6. Serenade of Water (orchestrated version), from the Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, by Koji Kondo
7. Timshel, by Mumford & Sons
8. Enter the Circus, by Christina Aguilera
9. Windwaker Theme, from the Legend of Zelda: Windwaker, by Koji Kondo
10. Give Me Novocaine, by Green Day (I was hoping they'd show up here, I only have four albums of them)

I'm really surprised that a little Michael Buble didn't show up, I have -- oh, I don't know -- six of his albums... I have about 50 songs of Cirque, including the entire "O" soundtrack. I have all of Lady Gaga's albums, including the Born This Way single, and two Katy Perry albums... gay.

I just love music, guys. It's how I function. I find it super hard to read without something to drown out the sound of every day life, especially because most of my reading happens on a train, and those get pretty noisy sometimes. If I'm doing any kind of mindless task or busy work, I'll pop in my headphones to help pass the time. Eventually, I'll learn how to play some instruments well, but until then, I'm super content with my iPod.

I'd really like to be able to play the piano,
Ash

Day 24: Something you've learned

I've learned that I am my own worst enemy, and my own greatest lover.

I am constantly nagging at myself to be better, but when it comes right down to it, I don't have the willpower to change myself. I have plenty of energy, but plenty of other things I'd rather do with it. It's a miracle that I'm even able to do my laundry today, because I'd rather be playing The Sims 2 forever. I've also gotten into this bad habit of reading the blogs of people I don't (read: "shouldn't") care about... And I dwell on the past... and wonder if there was anything I could have done differently to make my life today better. And what does that get me? Nothing. A little depressed, maybe. Because nobody can change the past.

But speaking of nobody: NOBODY can love you the way you want them to. Except you. Which is why I'm trying to enter myself into a state of higher self love. If that means I need to be a bit conceited sometimes, I will. Obviously loving yourself is way different that being loved by someone else, but I've learned that you can't always count on that someone to be there for you... That's really pessimistic of me, I'm sorry, but in my experience, that's been the case. Especially in my community (yes, I'm working the gay angle in). It's extremely hard to find a romantic partner in this area because it's hard to tell whether or not this cute guy on the train is looking for something special, or just looking for his next screw. Four times out of five, it's the latter. And that makes it hard for us normal homos who just want to find someone to love us as much as we love ourselves. We give and give and give, and just want a little get in return, rather than having our feelings squandered on someone who says he loves you one day, and ditches you the next.

In case you haven't noticed, this is my VOMIT OF FEELINGS BLOG. I'm done now. I'm not upset or anything, it's just something I wanted to get off my chest.

In summary: Love yourself first, because you know how you want to be loved. Any other love you get is just the icing on the cake. And who doesn't love cake?

I love cake,
Ash

Day 23: Favorite Movie...?

Okay, now I know this list was written by a 14-year-old. Pretty sure Day 7 was Favorite Movies blog, so I'm going to do a normal person blog today! Woo hoo!

... Of course, I've been doing this Thirty Days of Bloggity Blog for so long now, I don't know how to do a normal person blog any more... NOTEBOOK, TO THE RESCUE!

So the other day I was standing around at the valet podium, and when I say "at the valet podium" I actually mean the small, closet-sized nook that we get to stand in when it's damn cold outside. Lately, it's been damn cold outside. Who would think? January, in Utah, half-way up a mountain... weird. Anyway, I vacated the cozy nook into the wintery hell to park a car. Now, I'm a patient person (<---I couldn't write that with a straight face), so when I tried to hand this person their claim ticket, and they ignore me to start unloading their life's worth of possessions from their car, I waited near the podium and probably had a sip of water/coke/chocolate milk. They then huffed impatiently when I wasn't right there to give them their claim ticket... I was 7 only feet away... Rude.

I handed them their ticket and climbed into their car. Now, it's probably my fault for being inattentive, but as I'm driving, I notice the sound of air and tires on pavement coming from the back seat. Thinking the owner had left the window down, I look back to find that they had left the car door open. I could have probably hit something with it; I had passed a few parked cars in the valet circle. Like I said, it's probably my fault for not noticing, but I'm going to go with it's all their fault for being an idiot, which prompted me to write

Valet Rules:

Tips and Tricks for Getting

the Most Out Of Your Valet Experience

1. If you see a valet approaching your vehicle, stop. Unless they direct you elsewhere to help coordinate traffic flow, park your vehicle and vacate. Failure to do so can lead to confusion, traffic jams, and vehicular injury to the valet. While most of the valet have already been hit by a car (at the hands of patients and other team members), it's not something we enjoy having happen.

2. Valet are, for the most part, patient people. If you have to remove personal belongings from your vehicle, feel free to do so. However, do so after taking your claim ticket. Failure to do so may cause further delays when the valet responsible for your vehicle wanders away to help other patients, returns to the Nook of Warmth, etc.

3. When taking advantage of our free valet service, please leave your keys in the ignition, preferably with the engine still running. Chances are your vehicle will be removed the minute you enter the hospital, and if not, it will not be idling for very long before being parked. This saves us a step and ensures that we have your keys. Failure to do so causes unnecessary stress for valets when we have to enter the hospital and track you down for your keys. (Note to vehicles with keyless start fobs: hand over the fob as soon as you vacate your vehicle and receive your claim ticket.)

4. Please close all of your doors. I'm not going to go into detail here. It should be self-explanatory.

5. Because we are paid fairly well, we are not allowed to accept tips. This is not to say that we don't. Cleverly hidden tips or tips that are forced upon us will be accepted, but don't expect us to enjoy them (though we will). We also accept food. We love food. Many of us (especially in the morning) do not eat a regular meal before work and will graciously accept any form of libation. Failure to do so leaves us hungry, unhappy, and (quite literally) out in the cold.

So there they are. Follow these steps and you'll find yourself happier and the employees of the second-most passive-aggressive industry (the first being restaurant waiters) happy to park your vehicle any time you need it!

I was a waiter once, I'm allowed to say that,

Ash

Day 22: What's in your purse?

I'm getting to the bloggity blog a little late tonight. I had to help the Mom and the 10-year-old finish a science experiment that was due about 12 hours ago. Typical. We watched some Cirque though, and when Mom and I get together over a bottle of ModPodge and colorful paper, we could pretty much take over the world... IN STYLE!!!

I don't carry a purse. I'm gay (hence, ModPodge), but not that gay. Trust me, I've seen quite a few queens parading around town with their Versace (the computer said "Versace" is spelled incorrectly and wanted to change it to "Haversack"... wtf?), Dolce and Gabonna, and to conform to stereotypes, Louis Vuitton. I do carry a bag, however, and if you remember Day 12, I pretty much listed everything that I could possibly carry in my free-gift-with-purchase Ed Hardy duffel bag (read: "douche bag").

Currently however, I've got just an abridged version of that list residing in there. Let's see...
Deoderant
Just one bottle of cologne today, my current favorite, True Religion.
Two books: Gay Astrology (I don't want to talk about it), and Cemetery Dance.
A pair of gloves
My 3DS
My 3DS games
A pair of nail clippers
A headband/ear warmer... thing...
A can of soda (that I'm really surprised hasn't exploded yet... I'm not exactly gentle with my bag...)
And an info pamphlet from the U of U GSA.

Sorry it's not as exciting as most days. One time I had two pies in my bag, and the day after that, four homemade eclairs. Those were good days...

I like pies,
Ash

Day 21: Favorite picture of myself

Boom

This was a picture of me from a couple of years ago when I was schooling in Price. The building to my left was an armory. There are still trucks and vans and tanks and stuff left over in the yard, but it's now being used as a storage facility/event hall. Further to my left (out of the picture) would be my dorm building. I loved that dorm. All of my greatest moments (save for the three dance concerts I was in) happened in that dorm. To the right, sort of visible, is the Price cemetery. It wasn't a very active one, but there were occasionally things that would stir in the night, cast shadows, and gaze out from the fence.
This picture makes me feel infinite. Though that road didn't go on forever, it looks like it does. My road goes on forever, and will take me where I want to be every time. I will walk the line between war and death to find my paradise, and I won't rest until I've found it.

To steal a favorite quote from some dear friends...
And in that moment, I swear [I was] infinite,
Ash

Day 20: Nicknames

We're in the home stretch, y'all! Admittedly, I'm not looking forward to a few of these... (Namely "Day 26: Your dream wedding", "Day 27: Original photo of the city you live in", and "Day 30: a picture of yourself this day and 5 good things that happened since you started the challenge"). I want to apologize for the blah manner in which I presented my previous two days. I was watching Godspell for the first time, and I knew that the only way I was going to blog that day was to do it right then.

I just finished up a trip to my old college town: Price, America. I have a few friends left down there who haven't yet been able to escape the black hole that is Price. It's a great city to visit, and a wonderful place to be from. I once fantasized about living there, but that time has passed. Despite my small town looks and southern roots, I'm a big-city-boy at heart (read in a Southern [not country] accent).

Nicknames. I have plenty. Some I don't mind, some I don't like. Here we go:
From my mother: Ashy-boy
From my dad: Sport or Sport-o (watch out, he's a creative one [sarcasm intended])
From my sisters: Meanie, Jerk, or Dork
From my director: Ash
From my middle school tormentors: Ash-hole
From my lovers: Almost anything. Pet names make me melt (and I can't believe I'm admitting this).

I don't have many, I have plenty. I'm okay with Ash or Ashton.

Love and ice cream,
Ash

Day 19: Something I miss

There are lots of things I miss. For one thing, I'm in Price, America, and all my friends here make me want to come back. Price is a great place to visit, and a wonderful place to be from, but I don't think I could live here... So I'll visit my friends while they're here and visit them elsewhere when they're not.

I miss Florida. I miss the rain. It rains every day in Florida, and people get nutty when it doesn't. In Florida, 105 degrees is hot, and 65 is cold. When it rains, it's warm, and you could play in it... except you might get hit by lightning. I miss Universal Studios Orlando. Especially now since they've opened the Wizarding World of Harry Potter... OMG... Must go...

Okay, so there are two things I miss... But if I think of more, I'll let you know!

Still wanting to be a wizard,
Ash

Day 18: Favorite place to eat

Strike two. I missed yesterday because I went to my old college town to see a ton of people I love (Scotty, Lisha, Farrah, Rachel, to name a few...) and I met some new friends and heard stories of people I knew... Some stories I probably shouldn't have heard... lolz.

Okay, so, here's the thing: I was a fat kid for a reason. I like food. Still do. So asking me to pick my favorite place to eat is like asking me to pick my favorite color: it changes with my mood, but ultimately, I love everything.

I love Greek food. Dolmathes and Gyros are on the top of that list.
I love Sushi and Japanese Tepan. It's like dinner and a show.
I love Italian, authentic or not, no matter what it does to my stomach.
I love Chinese, especially buffets. Nothing beats takeout.
I love Thai. Nothing beats a curry and a Thai Iced Tea.
I love fast food in moderation. McDonalds Coke, Wendy's burgers, Taco Bell's Chalupas, In 'n' Out's EVERYTHING. OMG. I COULD DIE. And probably will, lolz.
Seriously, I'll eat almost anything.

Always the fat kid at heart,
Ash

Day 17: Something you're looking forward to

Bah. I'm really starting to scrutinize my own body... Well, I started doing that ages ago... But it's escalating, as made apparent by my "Goals" blog. Ever since I finished my season with Cadence Dance Co. I've been falling to bits. I'm not moving as much as I used to, and I feel like a schlub. I've mentioned that I'd like to get back into silks, which kicked my ass harder than any dance I've ever done, but studios and classes are just so damn expensive these days... not to mention they're out of the way. These days, if I can't get to it via Frontrunner or Trax, I won't get to it. I'm trying to utilize the bus system, but it scares the shit out of me.

So that's one thing I'm looking forward to: Silks, whether I have to buy my own or find a nice, accessible aerial studio.
My "looking forward to" list is split into two piles: Things that are going to happen soon, and things that I'm going to have to sell my soul to do but will happen eventually.

These are things that should be happening soon, in no particular order:
Visiting Price (Friday, y'all!)
Silks (buying my own and building a rig)
Second job
Moving out
Finding a boyfriend (while still adhering to the "those who seek..." thing...)

Things I'll probably have to sell my soul for:
Visiting Emily in NOLA (preferably during Mardi Gras!)
Trip to Virginia (just because)
Silks (Getting a membership to a pro studio)
Second job that is flexible with my good job and pays well enough for me to...
Move into the city (omg... so expensive) or out of state (scary, and more expensive)
Finding a boyfriend (you guys don't understand the boys in SL,UT... and neither do I for that matter...)

I need some horcruxes,
Ash

Normal blog, and Day 16: Dream House

I've been in a rut lately. I'm trying so hard to fill this void in me that screams out for a relationship, but I've now heard it from three unconnected sources that "Those who seek never find," and all in about those same words, too. So this is me, trying not to seek. But how do you catch the eye of some cute boy on the train and not want to know his name and number and whether or not he likes sushi? (Among other things I would like to know is relationship status [single, preferably, but I'm flexible], whether or not he has a crippling social disability [I have enough social anxiety for the both of us], and whether or not he has a good relationship with his mother [it's important to me, okay?]... But those can wait for later dates.) I have far too much on my plate than to be worrying about boys, but damn it, I worry anyway... So I'm going to just let that one go and see what happens.

And I need a new job. I'm still at the hospital, but I ended my seasonal-to-permanent employment at the Body Shop. I'm not big on retail, but when I have to persuade someone to buy more shit they don't need, I draw a line. I would like to get another part-timer on campus so I can get in to the University atmosphere, which might make going back to school a bit easier. Or not. I dunno. What I do know is that I want to move out, preferably closer to work. Waking up at 5:30 every morning, Monday through Thursday and some Fridays too, is starting to wear on me. (See how I gave an excuse unrelated to my family, even though my crazy family is the main reason I don't want to live at home anymore?)

Okay! Dream Home! Honestly, I'm not picky. I have two requirements: It's filled with IKEA stuff, and it's got a spiral staircase with a slide. Or a fire pole. Like I said. Not picky. An attic that I could turn into a study would be cool, and it should have a view, maybe of water or a cityscape. The master suite will have a grand bathroom with a tub that could fit two, and is recessed in the ground, to double as a step-in shower. The kitchen will resemble a professional restaurant's, except with a warmer feel. Think silver appliances, reddish wood, dark granite counters. And it will have an island, obvi. AND OH MY GOD, IT WILL HAVE HARDWOOD FLOORS. I've always wanted hardwood and rugs. ALWAYS.

Forever dreaming,
Ash

Day 15: A Bible verse

Okay, now I'm feeling a little bit awkward... I'm not really a religious person. I'm spiritual, and have a relationship with God (Universe, the Self, whatever you choose to call it), but I don't subscribe to any religion, and therefore never took much stock in the Bible. Sure, I could quote to you Matthew 5:25 (thank you Seminary), but I couldn't give you a favorite Bible verse.

So, once again, I'm going to throw my sexuality in your face. A lot of bigots, including several presidential candidates, not to name any names (BACHMANN, PERRY, SANTORUM, ROMNEY), are using a specific bible quote as justification for their hatred of gays.
Lev 18:22 "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination."
Okay, but there's a lot the bible said you couldn't do that people are doing every day, like eating shellfish, getting bowl cuts, "pulling out" (no joke), and my personal favorite, getting tattoos.

Lev 19:28 "You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any marks on yourselves: I am the Lord"

I love a good dose of irony in the morning.

So rather than damn us to hell (because you have the power to do that, obviously), why not keep in mind a few better ones?
Matt 7:1-2 "Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you."
Gal 5:14 "For the law is fulfilled in one word: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'"
John 8:7 "So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her."

Gathering stones,
Ash

Day 14: Pic from last year, how I've changed

Well. I haven't. I didn't get a Freshman Fifteen, I got a Freshman Thirty. I got stretch marks across my gut, and no amount of dancing is going to make them fade...
So I started taking pictures like this:

It is said that if you look at yourself with your neck stretched back, you can see more of your bone structure underneath. I liked how this looked. Then I would sit up and see me in a mirror with all my jowl-y-ness and cringe...
I'm still 230 lbs., but it's more muscle than fat now... But still a lot of fat. And everyone is going to say, Ashton! How could you call yourself fat?! Well, you don't see me now, sitting here in front of my computer with my shirt off, my fleshy belly and moobs hanging in the breeze of my fan. I realize it could be worse, but that doesn't make it any better either.

I'm in a mood,
Ash

Day 13: Goals

For some reason, every time I look at the day's blog topic, I type it in the title bar, and want to start the blog with "Oh shit, here we go..." I don't even know why. It's not like telling you what I leave the house with or about my parents is difficult for me. I like to tell people about me, a lot, and who doesn't. I'm just not the one to go spew my life story all over you without you asking. And damn it, if you ask, you better be paying full attention.

Just last night I was at work and my manager of the evening started asking me about my romantic interests. I'm currently single with no prospects, but I started telling him about what I was looking for in a partner, and how I wasn't sure if I'm looking for something serious or not because I'm only 21, my life is just beginning, blah blah blah. Now, you'd think this was a pretty straight forward conversation, right? Wrong. That manager kept talking over me, telling me his life story. After he asked me mine. So now I'm thinking, okay, this wasn't about me at all, this was an excuse to get you talking. Thanks tool. And he's not the first person who has ever done that to me. I'm surrounded by people who do (you know who you are). I'm not asking you to stop, I'm asking you to wait your turn.

Goals: I don't have many, but they are important. "Everyone's goals are important, Ash," you may say. Sure, sure, I'll reply.
I'm going to be a celebrated author, and South Park is going to make a parody of one of my books. (I had a dream about it last night, it was the funniest damn thing I've ever seen.)
I'm going to dance with Cirque du Soleil. Any and all kinds, especially silks or rope.
These two things are going to happen simultaneously, and I'm going to be very rich.

Simply,
Ash

Day 12: Something I don't leave the house without

Call me compulsive, call me what you will, but I feel naked walking down the street without some kind of bag or backpack carrying my stuff... I don't know what it is, but it's been this way since high school. Even on those last days of senior year when you didn't have to bring anything but a pen to sign yearbooks, I brought my backpack with at least two books, a notebook, and a sketchbook.

I've since simplified, carrying (usually) only one book and a notebook, but you can usually find one or more of the following in my bag at any time:
My work uniform (including a pair of shoes).
A book I've already read.
A book I haven't read yet.
A book I probably won't read.
My 3DS.
My 3DS games.
My 3DS charger.
My phone charger.
Deoderant.
Cologne.
A second bottle of cologne.
Some makeup (judge me, bitches).
Something belonging to a friend that they left in my car that I meant to take to them but forgot.

Okay, so I haven't really simplified... But all that really pales in comparison to that which they are carried in:

My free-gift-with-purchase Ed Hardy douche bag. Not to be confused with a douchebag (a person), or a bag used for douching (self-explanatory). It's a douche bag. and I carry it with the print against my body so nobody sees. LoLz...

Not a douchebag (most days...),
Ash

Day 11: Favorite TV shows

Hrm... I don't watch TV... I'm more of a Netflix-and-reading-at-the-same-time kind of person...

I suppose, in the off chance I do settle down for a bit in front of the tube, there are things I'd rather be watching:

Avatar: The Last Airbender has to be my favorite cartoon. Ever. I've watched the ENTIRE show, front to back at least three times now. I'm to a point where I can quote it... And. It's on Netflix Instant Play. Win.

 Psychic Kids was really fun for me because I always always ALWAYS wanted to be mentored by Chip Coffey. I have scant abilities (I know that's weird, deal with it), and I want to learn how to hone them. My favorite episode is Season 2, Episode 1, where one of the kids is Travis Hill, a Sandy, UT native, which was fun because we're from the same state. A friend of mine dated him. I met him. Let me tell you... I would like to go out with that boy... Anyway. Available on Netflix Instant Play. Win.

My absolute favorite show of all time, will always watch it if it's on. Sadly, the more I watch it, the more I'm convinced it's a load of crock, but it's like a series of psychological thrillers in twenty-two minute segments! This is another series I've watched front to back, side to side, up and down, at least four times. It is, how you say, an obsession. Especially once I start... I HAVE to watch all five seasons, or my world as I know it will collapse. And. Ryan is a hottie. And. He's bisexual. He says so in his book. Want. Also on Netflix Instant Play. Win.

Why do my blogs always have something about boys in them?
Ash

Day 10: Something you're afraid of

Again, I can't help but feel like my title is grammatically incorrect... but I'm just copying and pasting, y'all.

So. Many. Things. I'm afraid of lot's. And that's sad. And they're small things that I should be able to conquer easily. Like my mom. She's fearless.

I suppose some of my more minor fears are just phobias. Acrophobia (heights), arachnophobia (spiders), hippopottomonstroquipidalleophobia (fear of big words) (that was a joke).

A few are a bit more severe: I get anxious in new environment, primarily due to the fact that I feel like I'm being judged. I discussed this a bit in another post earlier. Thanks again to my mother, because I'm slowly being able to enter a new environment. While I still have that nagging judged feeling, I try to ignore it, because, really, I'm the one judging myself and projecting this on to others. Hell, I may break one of my resolutions and go to a gay bar with that in mind... or not... I just made myself anxious.

Scared shitless, but less and less each day,
Ash

I thought I'd just say...

My mom is currently reading my blog. Right now. As I type. So I thought I'd say that I love her. That is all.

Momma's boy and proud,
Ash

Day 9: A favorite picture of a best friend

Oh hell... I hate the days that ask me to single out just one person... So I won't do it.

I kind of have lots of best friends, yet none at all. Some may consider me their best friend, but I just have friends. I love my friends dearly, like they were my own family, but I feel to call any of them "best friends" would be to place them above any other. I have some favorite pictures with several friends, however, and I'll put them all here. (In no particular order... this image uploader is effed up...)

 This is Lisha, who also happens to have a blog and also happens to be doing the Thirty-Day bloggity blog. When this photo was taken (at Disneyland, bitches!!!), we still didn't know each other very well, but I'm really glad to have gotten to know her. She's a sweet spirit, who can play a mean round of Mario Party...

 Rachel was an Ambassador with me at our junior college. I knew the second I met her that we'd be friends. I wasn't wrong! This girl is the most driven I've ever known. She went on to be Student Gov't president, worked three jobs in the community, and managed to keep all her schooling on lock. She's pretty much an inspiration to me.

 This beautiful creature is Davina. She was one of my Silks instructors, and a damn hard one at that. Warm-up alone was always enough to make me want to die, but she kept on you, and encouraged you to continue. She went on to co-own a company of dancers, both aerial and not, that have performed all over Utah!

 Scotty... Scotty, Scotty, Scotty... What to say about Scotty? First of all, he was my very first roommate. We lived together for about 5 months, and it was the best 5 months of my entire schooling career... maybe even my life. We turned our dorm into the Ravenclaw common room. We even had to tell each other riddles for the other to enter. Scotty made me never want to have roommates again, because nobody could EVER compare to the amazing-ness that he was.

 Oh, Annie. What can I say about my very first Silks instructor (other than the fact that she rocks the Wicked Witch of the West!)? She was so amazing. In a studio that focused on fitness, she really rocked everyone's world by telling people to feel music, and dance with it. When you're working every muscle in your body to stay aloft, fitness comes naturally. It's when you're feeling your movements and turning them into dance that you being to have fun. She co-owns an aerial company with Davina, one that I hope to join when I'm more skilled.

 Farrah! This girl. She was another one of those "take one look, yep, we're friends". She was one of the first people to show me that, just because she's LDS, doesn't mean she can't love everyone. She found out about my sexuality very early in our friendship, but was never affected by it. She just saw it as a part of me. And I felt the same way about her religion. In a culture that is dominated by one religion, where the members wear it on their sleeves, base their every thought and action on it, it's hard not to put them all in a little box and slide it under the bed. Farrah was the person I couldn't put in a box. Because she was just awesome.

Preston (middle). Oh, Preston... What are we going to do with him? I love him dearly. Preston and I were unlikely friends at first, due to our mutual dislike of other homosexuals. He and I both see them (and this is me, putting people in boxes again) as the stereotypical, sex-driven, effeminate, douchebags. I think it was due to this mutuality that we made pretty fast friends.

And then there's Monica (right). Monica and I have been friends for seven years now, which is a long time for someone who moves a lot. I don't even know where to begin to describe her. There are only a few stand-alone words that will do the job: Awesome. Dramatic (not always a bad thing, y'all). Loud. Wonderful. Mutable. Mutable (adj): Liable to change. This girl has watched me changing for seven years, and I always thought it strange that she didn't really do much of the same. But lately, I'm seeing change, and I like it. I think she hit her transformation a little late, but she's finally starting to realize who she is, and I feel honored that I get to be here to experience this.

So yes, not best friends, just friends. But in my mind, if you're a "friend" it means I love you dearly and I would do anything for you. And these are just a few. I have so many more that I may not have pictures with, but have so many precious memories of. You know who you are (Sara, Kelton, Jan, Melissa, anyone I've ever danced with, just to name a few more...).

So much love,
Ash

Day 8: A place I've travelled to

I feel like my title is improper grammar...

Anyway. Strike one. I missed yesterday, so here it is, and Day 9 shall come later today.

I've not really done a whole lot of traveling... I've done a lot of moving! My dad was in the navy, so we moved coast to coast several times. But I have taken a few trips I suppose. My most recent was a trip to Los Angeles for a magical video conference called VIDCON! The entire trip was beautiful... Except, perhaps, the cab ride through the slums back to the airport after the conference... Scary. We stayed in the Hyatt in Century City, a shining beacon of glory in LA. That's also where the entire event took place. All the while, I'm being bombarded with posters and studio numbers and all these things that were crying out to my little dancer heart, "LIVE HERE! Tear your return trip plane ticked in half, do the homeless thing, get a job, and move here!" The only thing that stopped me was my duty to the dance company that I was in at the time.

I wish I had pictures to show you... but I don't... I don't even know if I brought my camera to the event... Weird.

Full of wanderlust,
Ash

Day 7: Favorite movies

This thirty days feels like it's going by so slow for some reason. We're only on Day 6?!

*Update: despite the previous comment and the URL for this particular post, this blog was actually Day 7.

I'm excited about today's blog, favorite movies, because I finally decided that I have one! It only took me 21 years to decide...

 Some might say that The Nightmare Before Christmas is my favorite, and from ages four to, like, 15, it was, and still is in my top ten, purely out of nostalgia. I grew up watching that movie every day for years. YEARS! And I can still watch it, quote it, sing along with it. I love it.

So then, for a while, my favorite movie was Spirited Away. I loved the details and the art of the film, and the story is really imaginative, even though you have to watch it four times to get it all.

And then I saw this piece of beauty, Howl's Moving Castle. In Miyazaki tradition, the film is rich in details, very fantastic story, and, of course, super confusing plot. It's another movie you have to watch a few times, and almost make up your own story to put the pieces together. I feel like the reason I didn't understand some of it was because the story is originally Japanese, and their culture has their own myths and beliefs. I think if a Japanese person were to watch this film, they'd understand perfectly. Not to mention, a lot is lost in translation, literally, because they have to alter a lot of words to make the English dub fit with the film. I was still loath to call this movie my favorite, however, because as much as I loved it, it didn't cry out to me and tell me that this was my movie.

Thank God for Netflix. It's buggy, it doesn't work a lot of the time, and you can rarely actually find something you wanted to watch, but sometimes there's this shining gem in the darkness that calls out and begs for you to watch it. Ladies and Germs, I give you, my favorite movie:

This move makes me laugh, makes me cry, makes me hate, and makes me fall in love. It also has a magical feel to it that leaves me begging this world to reveal it's mysticism. (You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one...) This movie is loosely based on the Shakespearean play A Midsummer Night's Dream.

Plot Summary (SPOILERS, mah bad...)

Tanner Cohen's character, Timothy, is a gay student in an all boys academy. He's mercilessly picked on by his classmates, with only two advocates in the school, Mrs. Tebbit and Johnathan, the latter being Timothy's crush. Timothy can't see that Johnathan isn't actually a bully, however, and avoids him like the rest of his classmates. Timothy has two other friends, Frankie and Max. Frankie is an artsy type: plays guitar, writes songs, makes her own clothes; and Max is your typical guy-friend: supportive to Timothy, tries to be compassionate about the bullying. Max and Frankie are secretly in love, but won't tell each other. Mrs. Tebbit approaches Timothy after class one day with an invitation to be in the senior play: her own recreation of A Midsummer Night's Dream. He grudgingly accepts, and she gives him a script that is different than those of the rest of the class. This special book gives Timothy a spell that gives him Puck's flower. He uses it on his crush, of course, then on his tormenters, making them fall in love with each other. Remember, this is an all boy's school. Hilarity ensues, until those not under the spell begin accusing Mrs. Tebbit of causing all the change of heart, going so far as to blame Shakespeare ("Shakespeare was queer too!"). She finally tells Timothy that he needs to reverse the spell on the night of the play, and return the townspeople to their former loves. He does so, realizing that Johnathan will no longer love him. After the play however, we see Timothy sitting at a vanity in the dressing room removing his makeup, when Johnathan comes from behind him and kisses him. Even though he'd been under the spell, he still had feelings for Timothy, and now was free to express them, for his classmates and townsfolk are no longer the bigoted asses they once were.

Sigh. This is the movie I wish could be my life. I love it so much. At the very end, Mrs. Tibbit is seen collecting the flower and says to the camera, "Who's next?"

I'm next,
Ash

Happy New Year! I can haz rezsolushunz?

Yes, it's your favorite time of year again! Time to make those resolutions to get fit, get organized, and go back to school for that next degree! Psych! You're not going to do any of those things this year, and neither am I! So this year I'm setting some realistic goals for myself that are achievable while still challenging myself. Ready? Go.

1. I'm never going to a gay bar or club again. They're not my scene. I'd much rather go to a regular bar or club. There I know at least SOMEONE would talk to/hit on me, even if it is a woman. At a gay bar, I'm ignored the whole night. Even by those I went with. There are two exceptions to this rule: I go with a female friend, or I go with someone I'm in a relationship with (and even then I'd be freaking out that the mass of shirtless, sweaty bodies would explode his little head and he'd leave me for some manwhore...)

2. I'm going to take more chances socially. If I see someone I want to talk to, I'll talk to them. If I see someone cute, I'll flirt. I'm done being shy. That's the one thing about that hasn't changed since high school. College broke down the walls around me, but I need to really clear the rubble away, because I'm still searching for places to hide.

3. I'm going to work as much as possible. When I'm working, I'm not spending money. In fact, I'm making it! Duh. But if I set aside excessive amounts of play time, I'll end up spending my paychecks and living one to the other like I have all my life. It's time I seriously committed to saving. It's the only way I'll get to pay off my student loans, my dental bill, my one of my ex's, and finally move out, whether just into the city, or to the East Coast.

4. I hate the resolution to get fit. Hate it. But I really do need to lose weight and I want to start getting toned. So instead of just trying to get fit, I'm going to find somewhere to do Aerial Silks again. I may even buy my own and build a rig in the back yard, if that's what it takes. I want to exceed at Silks, and in doing so, I'll be making myself sexy(er)!

5. Should I find myself in a relationship this year, I'm going to give it my 110%, nothing held back. I'm going to love with all my heart. Sure, getting hurt... well, hurts... but it's what you do after the hurt that really defines you. And if you didn't give it your all, then you probably deserved to get hurt anyway, right?

Let me know a few of your New Year's Resolutions in the comments below.

I love you all, 110%,
Ash

Day 6: A picture of something that makes you happy

So. Many. Things. In this life make me happy. Get ready for blog-splosion.

Dancing makes me happy. Dancing to Phantom makes me happier. Yes, that's me.

Dancing to Smoke Gets In Your Eyes made me so happy I couldn't stand it. She was cute.

More Phantom-y goodness.

She was so beautiful in this role.

Dancing to Boogie Shoes with her was SO MUCH FUN.

Our Boogie Shoes made me so happy I could die.

Zelda, in all its forms, makes me happy.

Scientific humor makes me happy.

Oppressive religious humor makes me happy.

Gay related humor at the expense of an idiot presidential candidate makes me happy.

Not sure where this came from, but it makes me happy.

ZOMG. Kitties make me happy!

Especially this one! SO HAPPY!

Tanner Cohen makes me happy.

So. Very. Happy.

Tanner Cohen being my boyfriend would make me so happy I could explode.

Taylor Lautner makes me happy, even if this People cover is fake. (But let's be honest, he's really gay.)

Two things here make me happy: Kissing boys, and protesting bigots.

Bromance makes me happy!

Nerdy boys make me happy.

Zachary Quino, AKA Spock, makes me happy! (He's gay, y'all!)

Although whats-her-face Black doesn't make me very happy, the thought of her going to Hufflepuff does!

This would make me happy if it ever happened...

This makes me happy, because that's totally me.

Zefron. Zefron makes me happy...

Zefron again. Yes, that's him on the right. So. Happy.

Okay folks. Thanks for bearing with me there. But that's just a small taste of what makes me happy. I try to love life as often as I can because choosing to hate everything just makes you sad.

You make me so happy,
Ash